Tuesday, August 5, 2014

"Motor" Cycle?

I found myself involved a heated conversation over the weekend as to where a bicycle stops and a motorcycle begins. A conversation mind you, that took place between me; a bicycle enthusiast, and not me; not a bicycle enthusiast (names have been changed to protect the ignorant).

Bear in mind as well, that this was not a conversation about Electronic Assist (E-Bike) bicycles, which are the current topic of much debate.
rather, bicycles (or in most cases, Bicycle Shaped Objects) with an engine and gas tank attached.

This defeats the purpose of a bicycle on multiple levels as it requires basically zero effort for the rider, and requires the use of gasoline, which is one main reason most cyclists choose to commute by bike. As it is not technically considered (in most places) a motorized vehicle, and it does not require a license to use it as such, it is allowed in the bike lane. So it pollutes like a car, puts cyclists in peril and helps destroy the infrastructure.  Plus it just looks ridiculous. 

 No plates? No registration? No license? No Problem!
The next time you see one of these on the road, look really closely at the driver. It's generally not some teenager, eager to feel the freedom of the road, no, it is usually this guy:

A gin-soaked Glen Campbell - 2003 DUI Mugshot

See, most folks will ride bikes because they want to, this guy (and others like him) ride because they have to. A result of careless choices, they are relegated to finding any way to transport themselves from one liquor store to the next without walking.  To those who find themselves new to being "sans car," any thing is better than walking, even this:

If it sounds like I am generalizing about certain "demographic,"
it's because I am. In all of my interactions with the curators of these rolling lawn mower bombs, every damn one of them reeks of whiskey at 2 in the afternoon.

Maybe it's where I live? I don't know. What I DO know is that after building them themselves, they ask me "um... do ya'll like, um, work on motorized bicycles?"
No. No I don't. 
"Well, I gotta, um, problem with the like, wheel thing..."
Wait... you mean to tell me that your Walmart wheels aren't designed to hold up the additional weight?! Gee...Imagine that
Their attitude towards my responding in such a way is mostly one of disdain but I honestly could care less. I mean, RIDE your damn bike. You are in this mess for a reason, perhaps seeing the world from a two-wheeled point of view may change your outlook on life. Plus, the health benefits will better you as an individual and maybe...just maybe, our society as a whole. Perhaps a person who spent their life behind he wheel of a car, just may in turn view the world the way I do... behind the handlebars. Fighting traffic just to get where I am going safely, and reaping the benefits of a healthier way of life. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. At the end of the day, my beef isn't even with the riders per se, rather, the lazy half ass way they choose to address bicycle usage. 

"Slap a motor on it!" - The American Way 
That is what is truly at the heart of the problem. The dudes that often pilot these motorized bicycles (or MOTOR-CYCLES if you will) fall in to one of two categories for me:

Drunks: who lost their licenses for moving violations committed whilst hammered. 
Which means of course, the last thing they should be doing is driving ANYTHING that has an engine. Yet the law still refuses to exclude the operation of this type vehicle and the offender is left on the streets to offend once more.      

Douches: lazy ones...the type that would benefit the most from some type of physical activity. The same ones who would rather be caught dead then caught riding the "Shoelace Express"

So I am not sure which I hate more, 
the rider or the egg
the chicken or the moped

Fuck it, I hate them all.

...there, I said it.