Monday, May 19, 2014

Horses: You just can't trust them.

You can lead a horse to water, but you sure as shit can't make him lube his chain (or something like that). In this case, the horse clearly pissed on his chain all winter. While this particular horse should probably spend his last days at the glue factory, 
he was instead given a second chance 
while the horse's parents of course blamed his mechanic for the cost of the repairs.

All I did was lead him. I suppose I should have just pushed his ass in

*It is also worth stating here, that they demanded the services be performed that day, because "...we are only here (in town) for today. What? is he supposed to walk here?" Fucking jerks. 
All that type of coddling will do is teach your kids how to be entitled pricks like you.

This guy however, is a horse of a different color. Not sure what color is earmarked for "stupid," but which ever one it is, this guy is the purest shade of it. Hell, he might as well have saved himself the trouble of locking it at all. At the very least, I am sure this grocery store would have been grateful if he had simply cleaned up his fucking mess.  

Well, at least they didn't take his lock. Those things are expensive!

I certainly hate to beat a dead horse, but these bearings did not simply fall out due to gentle persuasion. Seized into an expensive frame after years of several soakings in sweat and fear, they required a very large hammer to liberate. 

 Maybe I am getting too old for this shit. I mean, horses aren't really my thing anyway.

Fuck it. I am going back to training dogs.

Bad dog. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

No good deed goes unpunished

Karma is a bitch for sure. Let me take you through my day thus far...
Driving my daughter to school, a bunny runs out in front of my car. I quickly bring traffic behind me to a stand still to allow for the bunny's safe passage. No doubt I pissed off a few motorists, but hell, 
I don't want to kill a bunny, do you? I certainly don't want my kid to see that. Now the bunny is frolicking with his bunny friends, and likely humping like, well...a bunny.

Good deed for the day? I thought so, until we get to the school. It seems that all the kids are wearing silly hats, as my daughter informs me 
"oh, no! I forgot, it's silly hat day." 
"Dad, do you have a "bike hat" in the car?"
 Any other day, and yes I would have had one on my head, 
today I did not, and then the tears...
 "can you go get me one from home? Please?" 
So what did I do? I of course drive home, grab a cycling cap and take it to school. Now she is frolicking with her hatted pals, and the tears are all dried up. I am starting to feel pretty good about myself about now. 
That of course is where I made my mistake...

See, I am normally sort of a Pessimist (as if you couldn't tell by now). I generally like to expect the worst case in the event that it works out better than I had thought. That way it becomes a bright spot on an otherwise dreary life experience. Being an Optimist just sets you up for disappointment. If you expect the best, and life shits on you instead, you can be left feeling pretty, well... shitty. It's no day at the park for sure. With that in mind, I like to think of myself as more of a Realist. Like me, the Realist tends to call it as they see it.

   (I'm the guy on the right ;)

So back to the story: I am the kind of guy that will hold a door open for multiple people even if it means they will be ahead of me in line. What do I care if I get my coffee 2 minutes after they do? This morning however, still feeling great about my good deed doing for the day, I forget myself and my surroundings (Big Box Coffee Shop on every corner in America). What do I get in return for holding the door for 4 people who all looked me in the face as they passed? Not so much as one thank you. I mean, I guess I shouldn't have expected it, as these are the same entitled pricks who sit in an SUV convoy that stretches around the building with engines running and looking down at their "smart" phones, while they bitch at the Barista  for taking so long. 

 I hope you choke on your Latte asshole.

"What does today's blog have to do with bicycles?" you ask...

Well, at least the story had a cycling cap in it. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Stupidity: It voids warranties

You know, I try really hard not to be a dick (to your face, anyway), so I generally reserve my true feelings until they all boil over and I post them here. That said, when I post, I am mostly joking about the way a person treats their equipment and not necessarily the person themselves. While the person may piss me off, I could usually give two shits about them. I generally care more about your bike. I mean, what did it do to piss you off?! It was only as loyal to you as it could be until it could not take it anymore. My point is that your equipment will only get you so far. It will work as long as it is maintained, and if left unchecked, will self destruct like a fucking supernova. Trust me, remember this guy?


He will be picking rubber out of his teeth for quite some time due to his failure to maintain his shit.
It is worth stating here that it is conjecture on my part but hell, head tubes do not just shear off for no reason. Something tells me it gave him ample warning, yet he probably told his mechanic 
"I was just riding along."  

So is it the bike's fault? No. 
Is it the guy's fault? I'm going to guess it was.

So with that in mind I pose this hypothetical situation:

So there's this guy, let's call him "Don Knotts."
He's a nice enough guy. Always very cordial, respectful, but a bit of nervous Nelly,
and always having this... look... on his face. It's hard to describe so here's a rough idea...

(Dead ringer) 

Don here, can't seem to stay on his bike. "Rubber side down," is not in his vocabulary. He has broken, bent, or otherwise destroyed most of the components on his bike. He has broken several bones including ribs and clavicles. This is a person who should probably stop riding a mountain bike, but damn it, you have to admire his determination. Unfortunately (for him) he simply cannot will not try to understand what his mechanic is trying to tell him. So in my most recent, hypothetical
encounter with Mr. Knotts, he poses the question: 
"can you make my front brake work less?"
"I'm sorry, can I do what?!"
"...every time I use it in a turn, I crash" 

Okay, first of all, stop doing that. Also, there is nothing wrong with using your front brake. It is natural and in some respects, preferred for scrubbing speed quickly. If it makes you crash then just use less of it and don't use it when you are cornering.

"Well what's happens is, when I feel like I am about to crash I panic and grab it harder."

...So stop panicking! If you can't do that, then stay off the brake lever.

"Well can you make it softer? Like add some air to the line?"

Okay Don, listen closely as I will only say this once: Brakes are to be bled in order to remove air from the line to ensure proper stopping power.
 Asking a professional technician to intentionally introduce air into a hydraulic brake system is irresponsible at best. It is a guaranteed way to accomplish two things:
A) Setting yourself up for a catastrophic crash likely causing bodily harm, and
B) Pissing off your bicycle mechanic which may also lead to bodily harm ;)

Thursday, May 1, 2014

...and the Darwin Award goes to...

This Guy:

...In case you find yourself wondering, this is how you fucking downhill:

Yeah, it's been a slow week around here so I am getting a bit lazy with the posts. 
But hey! Look! More crashing...

...and you better enjoy it because it took me a damn hour to find a video with music that was not absolute bull shit ;)

Get out there and ride, and keep the rubber side down.