Bike Porn Bingo

Do you know what it is like having hundreds and hundreds of bicycle photos to post on your stupid blog but when you try to use one, the post takes a turn and you never get to using them?

Well I do.

I take (or collect) between five and ten photos a week with the sole intention of posting them on the internet for my own personal gain. Sadly, some never make it.

"How am I going to start this blog?" I ask myself...

Well that my friends is the 64 dollar question. Sometimes I sit here in front of this keyboard, type a sentence, then delete it and start over. Again and again, until I get on a roll. I often start with an idea but find it difficult to just dive into the subject matter. So here I sit, a bazillion photos from which to choose, and I cannot for the life of me put context to each one in order to write something as simple as a 200 word blog. Still, I hear from readers all of the time on the fact that they enjoy the pictures more than the propaganda so, context be damned, I give you "Bike Porn Bingo" (though the title is a bit of a misnomer given the fact that it is more a game of pulling pictures out of ones ass rather than calling out letters and numbers, etc...)

Take this photo for example:

I have been sitting on this gem since March of last year and honestly, I cannot tell if it is a joke or not. I mean, we can discern a few things from this;

This is clearly a Denali in disguise...

... yet it is loaded with Campagnolo components, all the way down to the wheels. This leads me to believe that the owner of this particular bicycle honestly believes this is a good frame or has one HELL of a good sense of humor. 

What gives?  I mean, I get it... I have seen it before where people buy these bikes hoping to "upgrade" them. Simply read the reviews (of any shitty bike for that matter) on Amazon and they are loaded with Clown Shoes talking about how "it's an awesome frame so I built it up..." an idea that one would have to be on drugs to execute and I say that because clearly those who take this Abortion seriously, must be under the influence of something....

"It is a finely crafted piece of machinery reminiscent of the old GMC quality you used to see years ago."

Oh, "finely crafted" you say? The same "quality you used to see years ago?" How many years exactly? Like, 5? 10? 13?

It wasn't so long ago that GM produced this brain fart so it's probably best to avoid any analogy that refers to GMC's "standard of excellence" (well, outside of comedic relief anyway).

"The only thing about this bike that I would rate less than 5 stars are the brakes. They are the old style calipers that they've used on road bikes since the days when they were called English Racers. It's very old technology."

Right, because we all know that you cannot stop without disc brakes nowadays and "old" brakes like that should be tossed in the bin.

(...along with your hopes and dreams)

"A couple of postscripts. I had a bump flat almost immediately so I think the tubes are probably on the inexpensive side which is not a big issue."

Actually, ALL tubes are on the "inexpensive side" and therefore cannot be blamed for your own incompetence. It is not the tube's fault that you did not inflate it properly (read; you're doing it wrong).

 "Also that Vitesse racing seat came off after the first ride and was replaced by a good old Bell Gel Pack seat. I don't know who this Vitesse guy is but there is no way that you're going to fit American junk on that seat, IMHO."

Well, IMHO, your opinion on saddle selection doesn't matter if you are the kind of guy who prefers the comfort of a "good old Bell" 

Not sure who this dude thinks he is to be making assumptions about this "Vitesse Guy" I mean, maybe it's not a "Guy" at all, maybe it's a chick, or maybe, just maybe, it is a bullshit name given to the horrible components to make them appear to be better than they are? Just thinking out loud...

He does have a point though when he says that there is "no way you are going to fit American 'junk' on that seat..." as the typical American can barely see their "junk," let alone ride a fucking bike. 

Bingo.

On the Defensive

It is at this point in the game that I am beginning to see the ill-effects of the industry's constant attempts to sell you more shit. It seems as though every bike shop in America has become nothing more than a store front for Bicycling magazine.

The Golf Digest of cycling

This unfortunately, is EXACTLY what every customer who walks into a bike shop sees and it is slowly but surely alienating every single one of them. Given my background dealing in high-end bicycles I can tell you this; catering to the social elite and their constant need to consume what the industry tells them is rapidly pushing out anyone who does not want the same for themselves.

Because your inventory consists of bicycles that start at an average of $1,000 and up, customers find themselves shopping by price rather than getting what they actually want.*

When your customer has to state aloud that "I'm not a racer or anything..." it is clear that they already feel like they do not belong.

I hear this all the time and I get it, but I really don't want to hear it. I know that you "aren't an avid cyclist" it is clear by your tremendous gut and dust-covered bicycle that you don't often ride and your labored breathing from the walk in from the car tells me that you are "just getting back into it..." I am aware of these things yet I am still met with the awkward exchanges as I have to explain that even the cheapest tires are $20 because this isn't 1975, which happens to be the last time they were on a bike. 

"Whoa..."

"I just need a tire man, I'm not a Racer or anything."

-I know, that's why I am selling you a 20 dollar tire. I am only trying to help you, I promise.

*In my experience, the customers around here are split into two groups;

One wants an affordable, practical bicycle that offers an upright position and a comfortable seat and if they can get it in a certain color, they will buy it every time. 
 

Probably the Best selling bike in the shop right now.
 
The other group wants exactly what they see in Bicycling or under their favorite Pro Tour rider. They don't care what it costs and if the color is the same as the "Team" edition, then that's all the better.

There is a problem with both of these groups however, as even the most moderately priced bicycle with all the features one may desire may still be out of their budget. They turn to internet retailers and often end up with a shitty, overpriced, and heavy bicycle that is half the price but almost litterally, half the bike. 

 They deserve better.

The other group, however has "fuck you" money and is not afraid to use it.

He, unfortunately thinks he knows what he wants because he was "reading on the internet" but still needs me to tell him. 

...He won't listen. Ever.

In what may be the single most classic case of Fredom, this example spells out perfectly what happens when you let them make choices for themselves.

 

  This Fred Sled is wrong on so many levels starting with the fact that the $3,500 custom frame (1) with a top of the line drivetrain (2) was is too big for the rider which is why the saddle is so low (3). That on its own is not that big a deal as a larger frame helps even out the relationship of the bars and saddle however, his saddle being "slammed" forward on the rails to get a shorter "reach"

 

in addition to his ridiculous cockpit setup (4,5,6) leads me to believe that he has the "fuck you" money of group the second group, but wants an upright position like those in the first group. There are a host of problems that arise when a road bike is set up in this way but a simple back of the envelope calculation would suggest that his group should be riding one of these

at less than a quarter of the price and subsequently eliminate most of those issues.
 

...and therein lies the heart of the matter. None of you are racers nor should you try to be by. When you tell me that you want "X,Y, and Z" but then go and buy the A, B, and C because the industry told you to or because your friends will make fun of you, the bike will be wrong for you and you can't say I didn't warn you. As an industry, we have to do more keep this from happening but as long as shops continue to go high-end, they will continue to grow further from their customers and sell you what they have and not what you need all you have to do is let go of the idea of what you think you want and let me help you.

Remember, Hybrids need riders too and you likely need one.
After all, you're not a racer, remember?

#killtheDenali

Assemblers...ASSEMBLE!

In light of new evidence, it looks like I might owe Walmart an apology.

(Pause for laughter)

Did you know, it is not just some ordinary ass hat with a mullet who assembles their bikes, but a team of ass hats that are "committed to providing your store with quality built products...?"

Well now ya do, and you're welcome.

Well known amongst their peers (though this is the first I have ever heard of them) The National Assemblers provide "5 Star Service."

(...out of a possible 100 stars)

Where "Company pride is reflected our cleanliness, productivity, and accuracy." Reflected further by words that fail to make a complete sentence (read it again). Sure, sometimes grammar is not my strong suit either, but you get the idea;

   

"National Assemblers is the first and only nation-wide, full service assembly company founded solely on one principle; Quality above all else!" Rest assured, they know what they are doing too, as they boast a whopping "40 years of professional bicycle experience". Now, I did the math on this one* and if you break that down by the roughly 400 people people they have working for them all over the country, then each of their "Industry leading certified technicians" have little more than one month's assembly experience to their credit.

* I did NO math here. This is a broad accusation on my part. 

   I am sure they have even less experience than my figures would indicate.

While I might have been too lazy to come up with real numbers, this guy wasn't...

Wait... You're telling me that a company, hired by another company, notorious for the abuses they commit upon their staff, doesn't pay a living wage? More specifically, pays a "Slave Wage?"

 Based on this, I would assume that when they say "We have the right tools for any job," they are referring to the people under their employ because clearly, they are using them. Handily.

I only wish (for your sake) I was a more hard hitting journalist type. In that case, I would be on the phone confronting them on these claims instead of using conjecture in a hilarious way.  

Instead, I am sitting behind my computer 

looking for something worth putting my pants on for.

A Short Story: The Continuation

It was just outside the boundary of the bike shop, a mere quarter-hour after the transaction took place, that the failure occurred. It was this moment in which One had to swallow his pride as the realization hit him which was the fact that he was just outside the bike shop which he had previously shunned.

Head hung, he crossed the threshold. You see, since being spoon fed from birth, One was not accustomed to asking for help. This was troubling, not only for One, but seemed to be a trend amongst his constituents as well. This meant that the bike shop was familiar with his type and was well accustomed to dealing the likes of them. It also meant that the bike shop was familiar with the type of failure and well stocked with the inventory to fix it.

It was the humble crank arm, which foiled One's plans of a smooth get away. 

 Being one of only a few parts that make the bike go it is indeed serves an important purpose yet, it is with one lone bolt that it was held it fast. A bolt which, when securely fastened, almost assuredly stays in place. Yet in the Land of Marts called Wal, bicycle assembly is plagued by diseases of both Slap-dash and Haphazard. Common in those parts, its symptoms, identifiable by bolts torqued to the specification of Willy-Nilly, is often found running rampant and unhindered throughout the land. It discriminates not, as anyone foolish enough to venture into such a land may suffer the same fate.

"So I bought this bike at Walmart," One said. "It's the strangest of things! I was just riding along and off fell the pedal thingy."

A simple solution to an avoidable problem, it was $45 dollars later that One continued on his path beyond the Land of Martins to the familiar campus which he called home. It was there, with reckless abandon, that he would neglectfully pilot his two wheeled machine to its eventual death. In the Winter One would retreat to the comforts of his home. His bicycle however remained. 

Indeed it remained outside and cold, snowed upon by the foot until it was nothing more than a bicycle shaped embankment. A vision which greeted him upon his return.

It was at the first hint of sun that, dripping wet from melted snow, that One realized what he was going to have to do. Returning to the bike shop, he dragged his bicycle through the door. Still dripping wet, with an upward inflection, he uttered words all too familiar. Like it was a question he said, "So I left this out all Winter?"

With cables rusted in place, tires cracked from the cold and flat, and a chain so solid it could stand on its end, the cost of repairs quickly outweighed the cost of the bicycle. One was displeased. As if it were the fault of those trying to help, with a look of disdain, he turned and left.

 But he was determined to find a source of transportation.

Again he turned to the The Google and lo, did his eyes deceive him? A road bike for just under $300? 

Intrigued, the boy read on:

"The GMC Denali 700 c  21-Speed Road Bike is built around a lightweight aluminum road bike frame. You'll stop on a dime with the alloy calipers and brake levers, and the high-profile alloy Vitesse racing rims look as good as they perform. Shimano Revo shifters allow you to shift with out taking your hands off the handle bars providing safety and confidence... Assembly required."

"Seems legit," he said. "How hard could it be to assemble my own bike?" One boastfully reasoned. With that the boy once again spent hard earned dollars that were not his own, assuring his parents that this time he would take care of his bicycle.

The days passed and finally his boxed bicycle arrived. It was not long before One realized that he was in over his head, as his degree in Political Science would likely serve him well when he becomes a Political Scientist, it was not of much use when it came to  bicycle assembly... 

…and thus the boy's story would continue to unfold.

...or would it?