Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Assemblers...ASSEMBLE!

In light of new evidence, it looks like I might owe Walmart an apology.

(Pause for laughter)

Did you know, it is not just some ordinary ass hat with a mullet who assembles their bikes, but a team of ass hats that are "committed to providing your store with quality built products...?"


Well now ya do, and you're welcome.

Well known amongst their peers (though this is the first I have ever heard of them) The National Assemblers provide "5 Star Service."

(...out of a possible 100 stars)

Where "Company pride is reflected our cleanliness, productivity, and accuracy." Reflected further by words that fail to make a complete sentence (read it again). Sure, sometimes grammar is not my strong suit either, but you get the idea;

   
"National Assemblers is the first and only nation-wide, full service assembly company founded solely on one principle; Quality above all else!" Rest assured, they know what they are doing too, as they boast a whopping "40 years of professional bicycle experience". Now, I did the math on this one* and if you break that down by the roughly 400 people people they have working for them all over the country, then each of their "Industry leading certified technicians" have little more than one month's assembly experience to their credit.

* I did NO math here. This is a broad accusation on my part. 
   I am sure they have even less experience than my figures would indicate.

While I might have been too lazy to come up with real numbers, this guy wasn't...


Wait... You're telling me that a company, hired by another company, notorious for the abuses they commit upon their staff, doesn't pay a living wage? More specifically, pays a "Slave Wage?"



 Based on this, I would assume that when they say "We have the right tools for any job," they are referring to the people under their employ because clearly, they are using them. Handily.

I only wish (for your sake) I was a more hard hitting journalist type. In that case, I would be on the phone confronting them on these claims instead of using conjecture in a hilarious way.  

Instead, I am sitting behind my computer