Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Bike Porn Bingo

Do you know what it is like having hundreds and hundreds of bicycle photos to post on your stupid blog but when you try to use one, the post takes a turn and you never get to using them?

Well I do.

I take (or collect) between five and ten photos a week with the sole intention of posting them on the internet for my own personal gain. Sadly, some never make it.

"How am I going to start this blog?" I ask myself...

Well that my friends is the 64 dollar question. Sometimes I sit here in front of this keyboard, type a sentence, then delete it and start over. Again and again, until I get on a roll. I often start with an idea but find it difficult to just dive into the subject matter. So here I sit, a bazillion photos from which to choose, and I cannot for the life of me put context to each one in order to write something as simple as a 200 word blog. Still, I hear from readers all of the time on the fact that they enjoy the pictures more than the propaganda so, context be damned, I give you "Bike Porn Bingo" (though the title is a bit of a misnomer given the fact that it is more a game of pulling pictures out of ones ass rather than calling out letters and numbers, etc...)

Take this photo for example:


I have been sitting on this gem since March of last year and honestly, I cannot tell if it is a joke or not. I mean, we can discern a few things from this;

This is clearly a Denali in disguise...


... yet it is loaded with Campagnolo components, all the way down to the wheels. This leads me to believe that the owner of this particular bicycle honestly believes this is a good frame or has one HELL of a good sense of humor. 

What gives?  I mean, I get it... I have seen it before where people buy these bikes hoping to "upgrade" them. Simply read the reviews (of any shitty bike for that matter) on Amazon and they are loaded with Clown Shoes talking about how "it's an awesome frame so I built it up..." an idea that one would have to be on drugs to execute and I say that because clearly those who take this Abortion seriously, must be under the influence of something....


"It is a finely crafted piece of machinery reminiscent of the old GMC quality you used to see years ago."

Oh, "finely crafted" you say? The same "quality you used to see years ago?" How many years exactly? Like, 5? 10? 13?


It wasn't so long ago that GM produced this brain fart so it's probably best to avoid any analogy that refers to GMC's "standard of excellence" (well, outside of comedic relief anyway).

"The only thing about this bike that I would rate less than 5 stars are the brakes. They are the old style calipers that they've used on road bikes since the days when they were called English Racers. It's very old technology."

Right, because we all know that you cannot stop without disc brakes nowadays and "old" brakes like that should be tossed in the bin.

(...along with your hopes and dreams)

"A couple of postscripts. I had a bump flat almost immediately so I think the tubes are probably on the inexpensive side which is not a big issue."

Actually, ALL tubes are on the "inexpensive side" and therefore cannot be blamed for your own incompetence. It is not the tube's fault that you did not inflate it properly (read; you're doing it wrong).

 "Also that Vitesse racing seat came off after the first ride and was replaced by a good old Bell Gel Pack seat. I don't know who this Vitesse guy is but there is no way that you're going to fit American junk on that seat, IMHO."

Well, IMHO, your opinion on saddle selection doesn't matter if you are the kind of guy who prefers the comfort of a "good old Bell" 


Not sure who this dude thinks he is to be making assumptions about this "Vitesse Guy" I mean, maybe it's not a "Guy" at all, maybe it's a chick, or maybe, just maybe, it is a bullshit name given to the horrible components to make them appear to be better than they are? Just thinking out loud...

He does have a point though when he says that there is "no way you are going to fit American 'junk' on that seat..." as the typical American can barely see their "junk," let alone ride a fucking bike. 


Bingo.