Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Motorists: The Worst Kind of People

I am a cyclist. Do I sometimes drive my car? Sure. But am I a motorist? 
Fuck. No.

The motorist, is an asshole. 
He is one of the best examples of what is wrong with the world.
He is the lazy douche bag that can't see far enough past the windshield of his two ton killing machine to understand what the cyclists in front of him are doing. No, he cannot fathom the idea of riding a bicycle out of pure enjoyment, for the simplicity of its utility, or just because the price of gas is fucking bullshit.

I am not some ass hat hipster messenger in the streets of New York, swerving in and out of cars, blowing through stop signs, and into pedestrians. No. I am the guy who is riding my bike in a straight line down the road. Seriously, how hard is it to anticipate my next move? I'm not going "come out of nowhere," just drive your fucking car in a straight line and don't try to box me out at the intersection. It's much the same when I approach a 4 way stop. At the moment they see a dude on a bike, come to a stop, and wave them on, their brain takes a crap and they forget how to operate their steel shit box. Do I appreciate it when they instead wave me on? Maybe a little, but really all they did was cause me the headache of breaking any momentum I might have had by forcing me to take my feet off of the pedals and then re-mount my steed. That's more of a hassle than a help. In reality, the only reason they waved me on is because that moment they should have been driving through the intersection was instead spent looking down at their smartphone checking their bestie's  Facebook status. When they look up they have that "oh shit" look on their face because they realize the cyclist has been track standing for 30 seconds waving at them. Then they panic, start to roll, then stop and instead, wave you on. Could I roll the stop sign? Sure, but then I become that ass hat cyclist that they have grown to hate, and if I did roll it, I would most likely end up on the hood of their car.

(This chick deserves 
the ass-kicking of a life time) 

How the fuck can people be so brash as to
A) Take hurting a person so lightly and,
B) Automatically assume that cyclists don't pay wheel tax?

I got news for ya there Cunty McTwatt, I have 3 cars, so I pay for those fucking roads as well. Roads, mind you, I have no rights to. Oh, and roads that my bike does ZERO damage to. You know why YOU pay wheel tax? Because your petroleum spewing, exhaust belching, Crap Factory on wheels destroys every environment it comes in contact with. Including your precious roads.  They have to pay to fix them because YOU destroy them!
I'm Serious, I hate my car. I would never drive one again if that were feasible. Yet I look around at all the cars lined up in the Starbucks parking lot in front of our store, and it is nothing less than a constant parade of over sized, over priced, dick measuring sticks. It's like wearing your genitals on the outside, saying to everyone around you, "Look at my cock! Look at it!! It's bigger than yours!!"
I'll take the most beat down piece of shit if it gets me from A to B and fits a bike rack on the back of it. I see no need for the fruitless endeavor which is paying the same amounts for both my mortgage and my car.

With the exception of actual bike lanes, there is not much in the way of safe passage for cyclists. Shared Use paths? Forget it! If I (the little more than casual cyclist) ride in the same lanes that people are walking, I put them and myself in danger; me, going too fast, them, drifting left and right as they walk and not looking behind them. Dogs on leashes running back and forth... It's not their fault. They don't expect a cyclist to be going that fast. So shared use is out of the question for me. As far as the roads that are signed "Share The Road," well it's more like this:

They simply cannot be bothered to be patient enough to safely move around a cyclist that has the right of way. "COME ON ASSHOLE, I'M DRIVING HERE!!" Or my personal favorite, 
"GET ON THE SIDEWALK!!" 

Side walks are just as, if not more, dangerous than the road. 
Since it seems as though I am the only person that remembers driver's ED, let me give you a refresher:

When you approach an intersection with a stop sign, you are to STOP before the side walk, look left, then right, then left again before moving out in to the intersection. There are a couple of problems with this for the thick headed, GET-OUT-OF-MY-FUCKING-WAY-I-HAVE-IMPORTANT-SHIT-TO-DO 
motorist. 
A) STOP is not a word in their vocabulary, and
B) BEFORE clearly means, "Where ever I damn well please" 
This creates a situation wherein the cyclist cruising along the sidewalk becomes the "Mallet" in that "Whack a Mole" game we all know and love. Meaning, as you cruise along, you see all these holes where the moles are eventually sure to pop out. The problem is, you never know which one it will be and when you do see the mole, you hit it with your mallet. Like this...

Granted, it's a clip from Wayne's World and it's out if context, but that car sure as shit is parked on the sidewalk now isn't it?

So, even in the case of designated bike lane, they are usually located right next to a parking lane where motorists always seem to fling their door open without first giving any thought to looking in their mirror. This is not isolated to areas like mine, that are trying, but still have yet to build a proper infrastructure. It happens everywhere. If you live in a big city you are lucky if you have them at all, but hell, even then you are bound by them. 
Meaning the mentality seems to be "HEY! LANCE ARMSTRONG!!...GET IN YOUR LANE!"
Yes, you are right. It is my lane. It is my lane full of road debris, glass, and storm drains. God forbid I swerve out of it to avoid a door, debris, or a douchebag.


With the exception of this guy's smug, "saving the planet" argument, which does nothing but anger drivers when evoked, this dude hits the nail on the head. It's not that bad here but in cities like this, you are screwed if you are a cyclist outside of the bike lane, but NOT if you are a cop, or a double parker, or a jerk that mistakes the gas for the brake and drives through a crowded store front or on to a curb taking out pedestrians. (Too lazy to link something here, just do a Google search. It happens every damn day)

 The point is: I have to ride my bike in the road sometimes. You motorists need to get over yourselves and the Jack Wagons you drive, and give me some fucking room to ride my bike with friends. If you rode a bike, you would understand. But you don't, so you can't. 
And until you can, YOU are part of the problem. 

I pay for the roads to. 

So how about YOU
 get on the fucking side walk. 

 

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for throwing in a Cunty McTwat when I am curtailed from making full use of my Boston vocabulary (hint: it's almost entirely conjugations of the work Fucktard) in my BR column. As a gift, let me share a piece of driver re-education theory I picked up from a Boston courier (possibly the legendary Lucas Brunelle):
    "keep ah spahk plug taped to ya tahp tooob. If some fucktard cocksucka in an ahdy gives yah eny gried, ya whip that thing at his reah window. That shitt'l fucking explode like Christah McCauhlif.

    Annnnnnnnnd, exhale.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HOLY SHIT! That is epic! Thanks for sharing!

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