Friday, September 26, 2014

You Thought I Forgot About You?!

Yes, I know, it's Friday and I have yet to post for this week. Calm Down. 
There was a lot going on this week.

 To which I say, (in my best retro-grouchy voice) "big, fat, hairy deal man! Eddy Merckx did it on a steel bike with drop bars, he didn't get to lay down on his bike, he had to hold himself up. Eddy didn't have those fancy ass wheels or an "Aero" helmet. Pfff!"

"THIS is how you set an hour record!"

But I guess I can't be too hard on Jens, I mean, there is no way that I could do it on any bike so congrats Jens! You have proven that you can go just a little bit farther in one hour than a dude on a bike that was less aero and weighed more (not to mention Eddy probably had 40 lbs on ya ;) 

In all honesty, I have been fighting sickness for most of the week so writing a blog was the farthest thing from my mind.
While wallowing in my own snot and sweat, I did come across this awesomeness:

If had not already had a splitting headache, this would certainly have brought one on. 

My feelings for automobile makers branding their own bikes are clear.
So why would this be any different?
Oh, I don't know... maybe because it says fucking "Ferrari" on it!! 
Normally I would shrug this off as another piece of shit and never give it a second thought, but then I looked closer...

I'm all like, "Holy Shit! It's a Colnago! It MUST be a quality bike right?!" One could naturally assume this because unlike the GMC Denali bike, this bike (while still bearing the moniker of an auto maker) was built by one of the highest quality brands in the history of cycling. But alas, this too bears the makers mark of being nothing more than a marketing gimick. Here is what I started to notice once I wiped away the eye boogers... 

The bars are rotated upward...
Brake levers should point the other way (at a downward angle)
I am fairly certain that this was just the fault of the assembly person, AKA, the guy who bought it on Amazon and assembled it himself and therefore doesn't know what he is doing. 

(in his best Don Knotts voice he exclaims, 
"but I'm an engineer so I figured it can't be that hard...")

 Clearly it is that hard clown.

This one is a rarity however as I have never seen a suspension fork bottom out like this, even if poorly maintained.
 This is a sure sign that you are doing it wrong.
So a little background on this picture and what led me to it... 
Again, I was sick as a dog and sitting around the house when I looked at a popular Facebook page entitled "Look at my bike leaning against stuff."
On this page you can find all sorts of silly pics of people's bikes leaning in various places and in often controversial ways.

You can also find internet "trolls" telling every one how bad their bikes are.
 Believe it or not, I usually refrain from passing judgement.
(I know, CRAZY right?)
The hilarious part is that when everyone pointed out this fork to him, he kept saying "NO, NO... it's a riged!"
  (Yes, he spelled rigid, R-I-G-E-D. Never mind his poor spelling, he stuck by his statement, truly believing that the fork was rigid and not suspension)
Rather than being a dick in front of all his Facebook friends, I decided to save it for the blog. What really made me want to make a comment was that he named the picture the "Costs more than my car Lean." To which I thought, he must have a really shitty car. But I did a little research and he was right. These bikes are really expensive and for no good reason. 
For the uninitiated, a suspension fork should look like this

 (Except, in a perfect world, it would not say "FOX" on it ;)

But again, this particular one looked like this:

 This fork is no doubt broken. Not surprising considering who makes it.

 Let's look at the parts spec shall we...

  • sophisticated suspension system Rock Shox with W/ ball bearing Multilink
Translation: The rear shock is an entry-level Rock Shox product.
  • equipped with Suntour 140mm Epicon forks
Translation: A fork not too dissimilar to the ones on Walmart bikes
  • Shimano LX derailleurs and shifters
 Translation: The most basic shifters you can put on a "good" mountain bike
  • ultra-light frame
Translation: "Ultra-light" sounds better than saying 5lbs of Aluminum.
  • FSA Alpha Drive Crankset
Translation: Not quite as cheap as a Falcon, but just as shitty
  • Formula XSD-5 Rims
 Translation: So shitty, they are not even available on the internet.

So the spec is disappointing certainly, but the propaganda is appalling:

"The Ferrari CX 60 bicycle is a MTB model dedicated to all Ferrari enthusiasts looking for an highly performing bicycle."

Firstly, I am not really sure how many "Ferrari enthusiasts" give a shit that they can buy a bicycle of the same name.

Secondly, It can't exactly be "highly performing" if the fucking shock doesn't work.

So while one of those bikes cost more than my cars, I realize now why he said that it "costs more than my car"

Look closely and you will see, he has not one, but TWO of these damn things!

 ...and yes, this one has grip shifters, even worse, they are Shimano Revoshift.

I am going to puke. know, because I'm sick, not because this bike makes me want to barf.