Make Offer: Be Your Own CEO

Hold on to your caps! Have I got an exciting, limited time offer for you! 

Intrigued? Who wouldn't be, right? Nothing about this seems "if-y" at all.
   For the low, low price of "Make Offer," you become sole owner of the "inventory, patent, molds, tooling, customer and manufacturing database, and trademark" of Never Reach technology.you even get this cutting-edge promotional video:

"Aerodynamics: Reducing wind drag is the second most important thing a competitive cyclist or triathlete can do to improve race times...

...or, ya know, lose the drop bars.
  

 

 Even the most Amateur Fred can save as much as 5 minutes by simply using an actual triathlon/TT bike. If you are the type that worries about losing 35 seconds (over 40km) you should should probably work on your transition skills first. 
I'm sure you can make up a few second there somewhere.

It won't make you the next Paul Fritzsche

 "I've been using the Never Reach system for, uh, two seasons now..."

...and now Paul Fritzsche is a house hold name.

If you are not yet a "Pro," they make a model allowing you to "Go" as well.

Less "aggressive" than its "aero" counterpart, this version incorporates the same technology while sacrificing only a tiny bit more dignity. While riding off road, its bouncy nature really makes you "work for it."  Which makes something as simple as drinking water seem really, really phallic.

 Come to think of it, this advertisement is loaded with innuendo...

"aero as 'Fuck'"

Call me a pervert (no, seriously do it. I like it ;), but I can see how one might confuse this with something sexy, which might might be why they give you very specific directions to follow.

Go home directions, you're drunk =)

I'll decide what I do with my hands thank you very much. Only thing left to do with my mouth is:

MAKE OFFER